I should have known I wouldn't sustain that exercise, I live inside my own head far too much as it is, and I've never been good at following guided journal questions. I'd much rather imagine my own possibilities, I suppose.
On to the new, then, right?
New year, new semester at work, new exercise and diet regimen thanks to a program at a local yoga studio, newly furnished house thanks to my sister's decision (again) to get rid of everything and move on. I have split-seconds when I envy her that ability, but I come to my senses.
Thing that's not new? Feeling alone in this life. Not just unpartnered, though that's part of it, certainly. Just alone. I don't really know how to make deep connections with people for some reason, which means that when I'm alone, I stay that way. I have a hard time picking up a phone just to chat with someone, because I feel certain that whenever I call will end up being a bad time.
I find it difficult to make friends as an adult, because everything is so much more complex. There are so many more layers to mine, things to worry about. Just connecting with someone isn't necessarily enough, because all sorts of other things get in the way: Could this be a potential mate? If so, is there actual interest in that direction? If not, how many other obstacles could possibly get in the way of simple friendship?
Granted, I wasn't all that great at it as a kid either, because no one really wanted to be known as the friend of the weird kid in grade school, and by high school I had learned to be way too good at blending in, just at the time when weird was what you wanted to strive for.
Timing never has been my strong suit; I have proven that over and over in my life, and it's still holding pretty darned true right up to the present.
So yes, alone, and now with even more empty chairs to remind me of that every day. I'm trying to -- er -- sit with it and be all right with it, but that never works as well as I hope it will, and any mature stance I take on it manages to crumble almost immediately upon its declaration to anyone but myself (and sometimes even to myself).
I don't want to be someone that NEEDS someone else all of the time, every single minute of the day. That said, it'd be nice to have someone from time to time, for any number of mundane and interesting reasons. Thing is, at present, no one's even interested in the time-to-time option. It's one thing to get comfortable with being alone when you know you have other options; it's more difficult when the question doesn't even come up.
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
Yes, I know this is a theme, but it's also where I am at the moment. Where I am is what I have to work with. "Write what you know," etc.