Saturday, February 5, 2011


I woke up at 6 am this morning with my heart banging against my chest so hard that I almost felt sure it wouldn't stay put for good. It was the worst panic attack I've had in a while, but I knew what it was, and was able to get myself calmed down after about an hour and find my way back to some much-needed sleep. The feeling stayed with me to some degree for most of the day, which is awkward and unnerving, so say the least. Luckily, since it was Saturday, I could start my day slowly and choose how to spend it.

Today's anti-anxiety solution was two movies at the bargain theater, spicy Thai food, and a thrifted sweater. They all helped, but it wasn't until I got home and took slight action around one of the probable causes of the panic that I started to truly feel better. I've been stressed out all around lately, so there were all sorts of things pushing me to what happened this morning, but hopefully I've made a choice that will, at least temporarily, keep one of them at bay. It's not the solution I should choose to make it go away once and for all, because I don't know that I want that to happen, no matter how stressful it is at this moment. Also, if I chose to do something for good right now, today, what I would do would be driven by stress and anxiety and the outcome would not be one anyone involved would be happy with for several reasons.

I know. I'm being intentionally and maddeningly vague, but at the moment it's all I can handle. Until I can figure out what to do, or until it resolves itself on its own, this particular thing will have to stay vague, and I'm good with that. If my solution doesn't keep the panic at bay, I'll have to rethink, of course.

What was my point? I desperately wish I knew. I think it was mostly to remind myself that I can get through panic and anxiety to something close to calm if I work at it a little bit and to stay strong in my resolve to stick to my decision on that one crazy-making thing, because it is an action all too easily reversed. If that happens too soon (I say "too soon," because I know it'll happen eventually -- I'm not that healthy), I'm right back to where I started, and I don't want a repeat of this morning anytime soon.

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