Reverb10 Fail... Moving On, On My Own

I should have known I wouldn't sustain that exercise, I live inside my own head far too much as it is, and I've never been good at following guided journal questions. I'd much rather imagine my own possibilities, I suppose.

On to the new, then, right?

New year, new semester at work, new exercise and diet regimen thanks to a program at a local yoga studio, newly furnished house thanks to my sister's decision (again) to get rid of everything and move on. I have split-seconds when I envy her that ability, but I come to my senses.

Thing that's not new? Feeling alone in this life. Not just unpartnered, though that's part of it, certainly. Just alone. I don't really know how to make deep connections with people for some reason, which means that when I'm alone, I stay that way. I have a hard time picking up a phone just to chat with someone, because I feel certain that whenever I call will end up being a bad time.

I find it difficult to make friends as an adult, because everything is so much more complex. There are so many more layers to mine, things to worry about. Just connecting with someone isn't necessarily enough, because all sorts of other things get in the way: Could this be a potential mate? If so, is there actual interest in that direction? If not, how many other obstacles could possibly get in the way of simple friendship?

Granted, I wasn't all that great at it as a kid either, because no one really wanted to be known as the friend of the weird kid in grade school, and by high school I had learned to be way too good at blending in, just at the time when weird was what you wanted to strive for.

Timing never has been my strong suit; I have proven that over and over in my life, and it's still holding pretty darned true right up to the present.

So yes, alone, and now with even more empty chairs to remind me of that every day. I'm trying to -- er -- sit with it and be all right with it, but that never works as well as I hope it will, and any mature stance I take on it manages to crumble almost immediately upon its declaration to anyone but myself (and sometimes even to myself).

I don't want to be someone that NEEDS someone else all of the time, every single minute of the day. That said, it'd be nice to have someone from time to time, for any number of mundane and interesting reasons. Thing is, at present, no one's even interested in the time-to-time option. It's one thing to get comfortable with being alone when you know you have other options; it's more difficult when the question doesn't even come up.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Yes, I know this is a theme, but it's also where I am at the moment. Where I am is what I have to work with. "Write what you know," etc.

Forty is the New Fifteen

Of course, that's only because I'm just getting over one of those terrible, wonderful crushes that I, at least, associate with high school and cheesy teen romance. I was astounded to be hit with something like that now, when I'm allegedly supposed to be a real and true adult with a mortgage and a job with actual responsibility, but hit I was. Now that it's (mostly) run its course, I'm trying to look a bit more objectively at my singleness to see what, if anything, I want to do about it.

I don't mind being single. This time it's been nearly seven months, and that's seven months truly single, no backsliding with a convenient ex, not even any dating. Nothing but the one intense crush that seemed, for a month or so, fraught with potential. I am a woman who likes having my space. I like living on my own: I come home to things the way I left them, I make up my own schedule and I cook or don't cook and unpack or don't unpack as the mood hits me. Of course, this leaves me with a spare room full of boxes, Raisin Bran for dinner two nights in a row, and way too much consumption of Netflix.

There are times when I miss having someone to bounce the events of the day off of, especially when I've had one like today. When my feet are cold (even in wool socks), there's no one around to help warm them up. And every once in a while it'd be nice to go to a reading, lecture, or music performance with someone else.

The problem is, I have no idea how to go about getting out there. I've never really dated in the broad sense of the term. Everyone I've ever been involved with I've known in another capacity before we began a relationship. I've looked at the possibility of online dating sites -- I know people for whom it has worked out beautifully -- but it just doesn't feel like the right way to find someone. I go out for a drink occasionally and have ended up striking up conversations, but it takes a lot of effort to get there, because I'm shy and not very good at stepping up. I'm also not entirely sure I want to meet someone in a bar.

For now, I'm not really looking that hard, and I probably won't change that anytime soon. I'll try to get better at mixing and conversing when I'm at social events, but unless someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet (or that crush finally wakes up and sees what he's been missing), I'll keep toddling along in my own little single world until I'm comfortable enough with myself there not to care whether anyone else comes along at all.

I've Grown Accustomed to My Space

Well, I'm beginning to, at any rate.

I haven't done tons of unpacking this week, but I've spent a lot of time in my house, just getting used to being there, listening to neighborhood and house sounds, and learning to sleep in a new bedroom. I am happy there, of that there is no question. Even with practically no furniture, and 75% of my belongings still in boxes, I know it's where I want to be.

I start my days listening to Morning Edition and watering my plants in the postage stamp backyard. I have onions, cardinal climbers, and (as of this afternoon) rosemary. If there are hummingbirds in the city, they may well make their way to my backyard later in the summer -- here's hoping, anyway!

I'm slowly meeting people in my neighborhood, and, thus far, to a person, everyone has talked about how much they love the area. I knew going in that it would be a good place, but it's nice to have it validated by people who already live there.

Next weekend is a furniture auction, which is financially daunting, but has the potential of getting me a few heirloom quality pieces, all by the same maker, which will cut down significantly on any running around to secondhand stores looking for things that may not stand the test of time.

I have tons of ideas of what I eventually want to do to/with this place (my house!), but I need to rein myself in and just live with it as is for a while until I can get a better sense of what really needs to happen in each part of the house. I've only been sleeping there for ten days -- not nearly long enough to get a true sense of how I'll use the space for the long haul.

So, that's where I am at the moment. Still visiting cafes for internet access, still unpacking, still trying to remember that change is never ending, and a positive part of life, no matter how it feels in the moment.

So, I Have This House...

I've been busy for the last little while, and the result of that busy-ness is that I now own a house! I know, nearly 40 and just getting around to buying real estate. Most of my stuff is there now and I've slept there for three nights, but I am so far from being settled in it's ridiculous.

I'm looking forward to having a space that's really and truly mine. I already chose colors for two rooms and got them painted before I moved in, and even that was really cool. I got to decide, for the first time ever, what colors I wanted walls to be. Here is what I chose, if you're interested:

Moss Print, for the bedroom

Clear Pond and Perfectly Taupe for the kitchen.

The rest of the rooms were white or cream when I bought the house, so I've left them for the time being.

The prospect of home ownership is daunting and thrilling in equal measures. I already have a list of things I'd like to do, even though I absolutely know that I'll need to wait for most of them. My house is sparsely furnished, at best, because I've been living in shared or small rentals for over a decade, and either didn't need or didn't have room for full-scale furniture. Now that has changed, and I'll have to start looking for decent used furniture that will work for the space and for me. I'm leaning toward trying to find things that fit with the age of the house (built in 1900).

Vitals? It's a 1035 s.f. two-story three bedroom row house on a quiet Lancaster street. It only adds about five minutes to my walking commute downtown. There's a decent-sized front porch and a postage-stamp back yard, both of which I look forward to using.

My next adventure! Meanwhile, I'll be going to MD Sheep & Wool for the first time in a few years. Maybe I'll see you there!