We've hit the mid-point of winter and I've had enough. Weekly storms have disrupted my work schedule and cold weather has made me not want to leave the house.
I'm halfway through a program at a local yoga studio and am struggling with that as well. Turns out I don't really like being told what I can and can not do, what I can and can not eat, and when I should be getting up and going to bed. It hasn't been all bad, at all. I'm eating much healthier and have (with one bad day) kept within the dietary guidelines and restrictions, I've lost a few pounds, and I have seen some progress in my yoga practice, though I haven't been practicing as consistently as the program suggests, because old knee issues have resurfaced.
I finally reached out to a former freelance editor, who gave me an assignment, and suddenly I'm paralyzed by the possibility of screwing it up, even though it's a short, simple piece with sources already in place. I'd like to find some well of confidence, but I'm not sure where to look. I'm out of the habit of saying "yes" to opportunities and knowing that I can take them on.
I'm chafing at my full-time job for no good reason besides being restless and bored, though not for lack of things to be done. I want to get out and GO somewhere, but don't feel as though I can take the time to do that right now. I feel locked in place and that makes me anxious.
I'm still going back and forth about being single. Some days I'm fine with it, some days I'm ridiculously needy. I went back to yoga last night for the first time in two weeks, despite my knee, partially because I was pretty sure that at some point someone would touch me. I could probably go back (again again) to my most recent ex-boyfriend without too much persuasion (he keeps popping up to ask what I'm doing or if we can get together), but I have no desire to do that. I want to move forward -- whatever forward looks like -- not backward. Of course, that also means that the volume of email back-and-forth with my ex-husband should also decrease substantially.
I think what I'm missing most is companionship and I'm just not getting that from Facebook and Twitter, no matter how much I post, comment, or reply. I have good friendships that have developed in both places, but it's not the same as sitting and having a conversation with someone face-to-face. I had two nice visits with friends this weekend that brought home just how vital live interaction is to my well-being.
I'm not sure where all of this leaves me. Mid-winter blues, I suppose, on a stormy night in my little house by myself. Things could be far, far worse and there are bits and pieces on the horizon to look forward to, so I'd imagine it'll all work itself out right, and sooner or later the giant piles of snow will melt and the sun will spend more time in the sky and I'll figure out where that well of confidence has been hiding all this time.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Reverb 10 (#1 and #2)
I'm playing follow-the-leader with PoMo Golightly and Tea Leaves in deciding to give Reverb 10 a try. One prompt a day for the month of December, reflecting back on the year just past and looking forward to what could be in the year ahead. And, as a bonus, it could get me blogging daily.
December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)
The word for 2010 is, without a doubt, "change." Since January of this year I have: started a full-time job at a bank (ugh!), bought a house, moved, ended a relationship, attended the funeral of a college friend, celebrated a milestone birthday, conquered my NYC anxiety, left the bank job for my old art college job, had my freelance outlets die on the vine, returned to meditation (and, to a lesser extent, yoga), and become friends with my ex-husband. Well, those were the major things, anyway. It has been a year during which I have honestly never been quite sure what was waiting around the next corner or at the end of any given day.
The changes have been a blend of good and bad, and most of them have had significant lessons attached to them. I've tried to ride all of them out with as much equanimity as I could muster, but, I have to admit, it hasn't always been easy. It certainly won't be a year I'll forget too quickly.
As for 2011, I'd love for the word this time next year to be "equilibrium." I don't want to be static, by any means, but I want to be at a point at which I feel as though I can handle what is coming at me with grace. I want to not be upended by each new thing, good, bad, or indifferent. I have to believe that this is not too much to ask.
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)
Most of what I do each day doesn't contribute to my writing. I find practically any excuse to put it off, or to shelve it altogether, because part of me is convinced that it doesn't have enough value to bother doing. I know that's not true, and if I would work consistently at writing, rather than frittering my time away with things that have even less value, I would see the truth of it more clearly and devote more time and energy to producing work and putting it out for more than just my own eyes.
December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)
The word for 2010 is, without a doubt, "change." Since January of this year I have: started a full-time job at a bank (ugh!), bought a house, moved, ended a relationship, attended the funeral of a college friend, celebrated a milestone birthday, conquered my NYC anxiety, left the bank job for my old art college job, had my freelance outlets die on the vine, returned to meditation (and, to a lesser extent, yoga), and become friends with my ex-husband. Well, those were the major things, anyway. It has been a year during which I have honestly never been quite sure what was waiting around the next corner or at the end of any given day.
The changes have been a blend of good and bad, and most of them have had significant lessons attached to them. I've tried to ride all of them out with as much equanimity as I could muster, but, I have to admit, it hasn't always been easy. It certainly won't be a year I'll forget too quickly.
As for 2011, I'd love for the word this time next year to be "equilibrium." I don't want to be static, by any means, but I want to be at a point at which I feel as though I can handle what is coming at me with grace. I want to not be upended by each new thing, good, bad, or indifferent. I have to believe that this is not too much to ask.
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)
Most of what I do each day doesn't contribute to my writing. I find practically any excuse to put it off, or to shelve it altogether, because part of me is convinced that it doesn't have enough value to bother doing. I know that's not true, and if I would work consistently at writing, rather than frittering my time away with things that have even less value, I would see the truth of it more clearly and devote more time and energy to producing work and putting it out for more than just my own eyes.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Why I Won't Retire
At this point in my life, I earn my primary income as a temp. I don't mind it, I have chosen this employment path for myself. Thing is, sometimes doing it burns me out.
Nearly two weeks ago, I finished just under four months at a bank -- two consecutive assignments within the same division, but different departments -- and it was okay while I was there, not great, but not terrible. I got a call last week from the agency letting me know that the same bank, same division wanted me back again through the end of the year. I'd only been out for four days at that point (I would have started again this past Monday), and had taken a nasty spill on my walk to work on my last day, so I told the rep I couldn't start again right away because I wanted my hand to heal first.
The hand needing to heal was valid (it's still somewhat sore nearly two weeks out), but the rest of the truth is that I need time to recuperate from corporate culture and all it entails. I am not a corporate girl, and probably never will be. Granted, I didn't have to attend monthly departmental staff meetings or any of the compulsory corporate trainings as a temp, but being in the environment, in the cubicle, even when working with people I genuinely liked, sapped my energy, and it still hasn't fully returned.
So, the retirement thing that so many people look toward? Probably not going to happen for me. I work more than I don't, and I save as much as I can when I am working, because I know that every so often I'll need to back off and regenerate all over again.
I know there are plenty of people who absolutely cannot comprehend the choice to live and work this way, and at times I am even one of them; however, I can't comprehend being one of the millions, stuck forever (or seemingly so) in a grey cubicle under fluorescent lights for the next 20 - 25 years, so I guess I'll take my retirement in small chunks along the way, rather than all at once later on.
Nearly two weeks ago, I finished just under four months at a bank -- two consecutive assignments within the same division, but different departments -- and it was okay while I was there, not great, but not terrible. I got a call last week from the agency letting me know that the same bank, same division wanted me back again through the end of the year. I'd only been out for four days at that point (I would have started again this past Monday), and had taken a nasty spill on my walk to work on my last day, so I told the rep I couldn't start again right away because I wanted my hand to heal first.
The hand needing to heal was valid (it's still somewhat sore nearly two weeks out), but the rest of the truth is that I need time to recuperate from corporate culture and all it entails. I am not a corporate girl, and probably never will be. Granted, I didn't have to attend monthly departmental staff meetings or any of the compulsory corporate trainings as a temp, but being in the environment, in the cubicle, even when working with people I genuinely liked, sapped my energy, and it still hasn't fully returned.
So, the retirement thing that so many people look toward? Probably not going to happen for me. I work more than I don't, and I save as much as I can when I am working, because I know that every so often I'll need to back off and regenerate all over again.
I know there are plenty of people who absolutely cannot comprehend the choice to live and work this way, and at times I am even one of them; however, I can't comprehend being one of the millions, stuck forever (or seemingly so) in a grey cubicle under fluorescent lights for the next 20 - 25 years, so I guess I'll take my retirement in small chunks along the way, rather than all at once later on.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Rollercoaster
Emotional one, that is. Today has been a doozy, and I can only guess as to why.
This morning was fine. I had a late breakfast at Chestnut Hill Cafe, wrote in my journal a bit, had a nice conversation with a couple I used to see often when we all went to Dosie Dough on Lemon Street before it changed hands. Nice.
I saw Julie & Julia this afternoon. I loved it, it made me cry, of course. I nearly always cry at movies that are even the least bit touching. I rarely cry in real life anymore, which may be why I am watching more movies lately.
When I came home, I had a conversation with a friend that brought things up. Some old, some new, and I found myself in tears again. Since the conversation was via chat, sobbing didn't actually impede conversation. I hold too tightly to things that made me happy once, even if they are no longer relevant to my life. That was part of it. The other part was what comes next for me.
I have been working at a temp assignment since the beginning of August. In day-to-day dealings, I like the people I work with, but am not crazy about the work, and am not crazy about corporate work in general. I may be offered the position I have been filling this week, and even though I'm pretty sure I don't want it and know that it would drive me crazy if I took it, I begin to second-guess my gut instinct at the prospect of benefits and full-time work, especially in the midst of an uncertain economy. The conversation turned to this dilemma. My friend had my best interests at heart when encouraging me to take it, but I pushed back, because it doesn't feel right, and I don't want to take another full-time job, only to find myself miserable enough to leave it in a year or less. I don't want to disappoint people, but it feels as though it'll happen no matter what, sooner or later.
After that plunge, I took a walk in the fall afternoon, ate a juicy Asian pear, and came home feeling better. Then I knocked a jug of maple syrup with a loose cap (didn't know it) off a refrigerator shelf and had to clean up a sticky puddle.
It just goes on and on. Up-down-up-down. Some days are like this, I suppose, but I haven't had one quite this rocky for a while. I'm obviously on a transition point, one way or another, and it's clearly throwing me off-balance. I'm hoping I can breathe through it and come out the other side without major public embarrassment.
After today, the work week should be smooth sailing.
This morning was fine. I had a late breakfast at Chestnut Hill Cafe, wrote in my journal a bit, had a nice conversation with a couple I used to see often when we all went to Dosie Dough on Lemon Street before it changed hands. Nice.
I saw Julie & Julia this afternoon. I loved it, it made me cry, of course. I nearly always cry at movies that are even the least bit touching. I rarely cry in real life anymore, which may be why I am watching more movies lately.
When I came home, I had a conversation with a friend that brought things up. Some old, some new, and I found myself in tears again. Since the conversation was via chat, sobbing didn't actually impede conversation. I hold too tightly to things that made me happy once, even if they are no longer relevant to my life. That was part of it. The other part was what comes next for me.
I have been working at a temp assignment since the beginning of August. In day-to-day dealings, I like the people I work with, but am not crazy about the work, and am not crazy about corporate work in general. I may be offered the position I have been filling this week, and even though I'm pretty sure I don't want it and know that it would drive me crazy if I took it, I begin to second-guess my gut instinct at the prospect of benefits and full-time work, especially in the midst of an uncertain economy. The conversation turned to this dilemma. My friend had my best interests at heart when encouraging me to take it, but I pushed back, because it doesn't feel right, and I don't want to take another full-time job, only to find myself miserable enough to leave it in a year or less. I don't want to disappoint people, but it feels as though it'll happen no matter what, sooner or later.
After that plunge, I took a walk in the fall afternoon, ate a juicy Asian pear, and came home feeling better. Then I knocked a jug of maple syrup with a loose cap (didn't know it) off a refrigerator shelf and had to clean up a sticky puddle.
It just goes on and on. Up-down-up-down. Some days are like this, I suppose, but I haven't had one quite this rocky for a while. I'm obviously on a transition point, one way or another, and it's clearly throwing me off-balance. I'm hoping I can breathe through it and come out the other side without major public embarrassment.
After today, the work week should be smooth sailing.
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