Wednesday, June 27, 2012


That's actually putting it mildly. I don't just get attached, I cling. I hold fast to things, people, ideas, memories. All those things that bring me some sort of comfort or solace, I don't want to let go. Of course, by not wanting to let go, I make them (people, that is) want to let go of me, to flee as fast and as far as they can. It's a problem.

I'd rather not get so attached. I'd like to be a person who could simply bob along in life taking things as they happen, recognizing the lessons that come with experiences, and moving along to the next without a huge amount of nostalgia. It seems as though things would be so much easier that way (though I'm probably mistaken -- everything looks easier that way until you're in the midst of it).

I'd like a middle ground. Some ability to form attachments, get to know people, know how it feels to have that longevity, but also to be able to move on from things when they are no longer working without worrying about what will come next. Or, really, without worrying whether anything at all will come next.

I am introverted. I have a difficult time meeting people, so when someone comes along with whom I have a strong connection, I want to be able to hold on to it, because I know that it will be a while before I will have that again, and I get lonely.

I want to be able to be self-sufficient, to not need another person to validate who I am or how I am. The fact that I am in my 40s and still wishing for this bothers me. It seems as though it is something I should have gotten past, outgrown, as it were, ages ago. I have moments when that is the case, but mostly it is not. It is as if I do not exist if there is not someone around who wants me, needs me, cares for me. I don't like this about myself. I don't know how to change this about myself.

I'll have to think about this some more, this need for attachment, for other. I'll need to figure out why I can't be enough for myself. Why being me, as I am, is not enough on its own.

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