That's pretty much what it boils down to at the moment and it doesn't matter what part of my life I'm looking at. I want to be clear about what I am looking for in work, in the way I keep and organize my house, in how I conduct my friendships and relationships. I want to know what it is I'm looking at and whether what I'm looking at fits into what I want from my life in a reasonable way, particularly in the long-term.
Just about anything I do will be okay in the day-to-day, as long as there aren't too many of those days strung together. It's when you get to months and years that things can begin to fall apart if you're not clear on what you really want. I know this and I want to be able to get to the point at which I can view things this way, but I'm not sure I'll ever quite get there, because my vision of my life is always clouded by my emotions. I get too close to things too quickly. I invest. I care. I don't necessarily think this is always a bad thing, but lately it seems to have done me more harm than good. Because if I invest and care, it becomes so much easier to hurt as well.
Maybe I don't want crystal clarity, cold and hard. Maybe I want my clarity more like a deep pool in a stream. I can see where I want to be, but I can also see traces of the other possibilities. Maybe I don't want my vision to be completely unclouded.
I still don't quite know how to get there, though. I still mostly feel obscured. I should probably find my back to meditation, to the ability to get still and stay still. If I can do that, if the whirl in my mind can slow down long enough for singular thoughts to emerge, maybe I can figure out what the right decisions are. Maybe it'll all become clear.